You see it's my half-term (the one-week holiday between the summer holidays and Christmas holidays) and I thought that it might be good to blog. So I was just thinking during the afternoon, what I should blog. I was going to just do a puff-piece about nothing in particular. But now-you're going to love it- I'm doing a self-discovery one. Cue the eye-rolls: I know, I love these, you're thinking, but really I don't I am really just finding myself as I am a teenager. The awkward phase where everyone cringes when they hear it but then, the small nostalgia kicks in when things were much simpler. That what the outfit for the non-uniform day is the biggest crisis or whether 'that' boy likes you etc. So I don't blame you if you don't continue reading- I do babble.
Now, the real exciting stuff starts. Actually when I first started writing this, about 5 minutes now, I was writhing with anger but now that seems to have evaporated. I had essentially been told off for doing the dishes, I'm sure that that won't have been the case according to my mother. Music really helps calms me down-obviously because any person would be furious if they had been told off for doing work but I'm okay- really.
I do love a good gossip. In fact I'm sure I was the source of all gossip a few years ago and revelled in a new dirty secret exposed. Until, everything turned around; my best-friend told my crush that I liked him and he laughed at me and told his friends; spread that I had done awful things to myself, when of-course I hadn't(wouldn't even dream of it) and many more. I can't them of them all but now, I don't care about them but am just a little careful to what  disclose to her. Now don't be feeling hatred towards her, I did some awful things too; I asked out her crush when I knew that she didn't want me too, although she kind of did, and he said no. However, she retaliated by telling my then-current crush that I liked him and I had to ignore him out of embarrassment for a year, that did not help when I was partnered with him in Chemistry- most awkward experience ever, I hate to think of what he thinks of me now.
Anyway, I digress, you always have people gossip about you, whether good or bad but you do. Never, in my short existence, did I think that my own mother and sister would talk about me negatively behind my back. I found out that I'm greedy, selfish and ungenerous. At first, I tried to ignore this and refute it, but i couldn't. I was a nasty person. I am a nasty person. Everyone wants to believe they are a good person, even a psychopath would think they are, but seldom are. I want to accept it, I don't want to ignore it and continue my behaviour. I don't know how to change though, I don't know what I'm doing wrong until it's out my mouth or until I have committed the crime. I try to think before my actions but it's seeming to be impossible. worst of all, I just spit out utter falderal. I am a waste of space. I would love to run away, it would be the most selfless act to commit, but I'm too selfish and cowardly. and I'm way too puerile.
Word of the day: falderal- mere nonsense; foolish talk or ideas.

I need to get tested...for twatness?

So my casual Saturday night; in the conservatory sitting crying instead of practising the piano, you know the usual. Why you may ask, am I crying? No, I did not look at myself in the mirror and realise how ugly I am (the usual remark when I burst out laughing). Actually, I was thinking that I am overwhelmed by too much brain activity, yes, I know unusual, but then I was just recalling what had going on. And, wait for it....I had school, school friends, swimming, piano and family life. I AM SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN. I just stopped crying and realised what a twat I am: crying because I have a normal life. I mean, I don't have to fend for myself, I am not an orphan and I have no other major problems. But no, I cry because I have a few school tests and fighting a bit with my mum. WHAT A TWAT! I need to improve my vocabulary because I can't call myself a twat twice! There's a million things I am, and I cant think of two things to call myself!
Now new things in my life; stalking my opposite neighbour, he went to close his blinds and mine were already closed but there was this little gap which I could see through, and I just stared at him - I could only see a black figure with weird hair- and he just stopped and I kept on  staring. Not once did it occur to me that he could see me too. Such a retard.  My best-friend has gone all sulky, as if she's a brat, and even if she does ever reads this, she needs to hear this. I have quite a few best friends but she's is just asking so moody, I mean what is wrong?! Yes, sometimes (there's four of us in this little possy) we do get annoyed at each other but we settle it. She's lovely but she snaps at us and has these snarky little comments that annoys everyone-wait that's me-, she just says stuff like:
I say "wait, I'll walk with you."
She politely replies "It doesn't take two of us to walk there."
Well, I love her but she needs to sort out her issues. She doesn't talk to us and well, I cant blame her. We use each other to get through school, we don't actually know each other and talk about problems. So when my friend that I have kept in contact with when I moved, says to me "How the hell are you going to have sex?" via text, I am squirming. I mean I have gone from keeping my feelings inside to her bluntness. How we got to this point in the conversation, I don't know but it got there. I mean the most me and my friends talk openly about is that we are going to have a wee. Pretty boring-this could explain why I was crying on a Saturday night and not partying hard..... I am not telling you how I answered. 
So I conclude that I may be a twat, Bitch, retard, drama queen, ugly etc. Now, I can think of names!
But frankly, I don't give a flying monkey and since that's pretty spectacular ( a flying monkey), I really don't care. But I do...wait...WHAT?!  Well, yeah I do but I don't want to care.....


Goodbye, my flying monkeys.....

An intuder

The looming thought of the English exam crossed her mind as she sat on her bed after a long, exhausting swimming training session. The day had held multiple CAU work composing of silence and writing while her brain swarmed with other ideas; but she pushd them out and tried to focus on the current test. Why is tourism bad? How do you spell that? How do you program that? How would I phrase that the the number can never be negative? Why is Shakespeare right? Is love ever-lasting? Will my dad desert me? But she pushed harder so the thoughts just lingered in her sub-conscience.

Now all the thoughts came rushing back. She couldn't understand how she did it before the summer holidays when all that mattered was that test, or if something said something weird. Now, she couldn't care less that her friend cancelled shopping as she was 'grounded' when she knew she was going out to her boyfriend's house instead. All that plagued her mind was whether she will get the perfect prom dress, if she will find a new phone for her finished contract or if her dad will pay her university fees after he's got married- her step-mom might be evil. It was a strangest sensation; she had always wished that she didn't care what anyone thought but she still wanted to care about her school work or her families opinions. It was if her brain had inserted windows and everything that was important flew through and everything that was meagre stayed. She repeated to herself that she wasn't in the school frame of mind yet but she knew better: she was finally beyond caring, she was rebelling.

Her peers had rebelled during the previous years when the biggest consequence was a detention but now the stakes were higher, she could fail her GCSE's. They wouldn't turn in homework, they would get drunk or do some other self-expression mark. Maybe a tattoo or a belly piercing or even cutting themselves to gain attention. However, she just didn't care.

She turned very shallow; finding out her horoscope or newest beauty tip was more important than revising for her 25% of her geography coursework due tomorrow. Her closest friends became irritating and she wondered why she ever made friends with them or how she could cope with them for 5 years. She still watched her mouth though because she knew when she came out of this 'reverie' she would still like them and want her friends. It was if another person was living her life and overtook her body.

This other person cared about horoscopes, as far as living of what it said. When she knew she should be revising, the horoscope had said explore your talent and so she did. Although, she didn't know her talent; she still doesn't but she reverted to this instead. Her closest means of talent. She even adjusted her 400 songs on iTunes to avoid her homework.

The smallest suspicion that her partner in English liked her, grew until that's all she thought about. Although she knew deep inside her heart that he didn't, no-one would like her, but she did it so her mind was kept off topic. The choice of wallpaper plagued her mind rather than her upcoming CV writing or that she needed to apply for 6th forms soon before the deadlines.

In case you hadn't realised this so far, this mysterious girl with an intruder in her body is read.all.aboutt.it - she's me. The idea to write in third person is much easier to address her problems and convey them to her readers. She knows you may not understand what she feels like or that you may think that the 'Devil' has come into her, but it's nothing religious. She's just worried that this effect will have devastating long-term effects.

So.....

I googled 'how teens can make money online' and blogging came up. I was thinking, hell no! No-one makes money unless you are very famous. So I did the survey one and so far I have made....a grand total of £3.66 after 5 surveys! But, that's better than nothing, right?
I was thinking of just saving up the points to get my little sister a £10 gift voucher for amazon and something awesome from Starbucks. My mum is trying to get me to work and I don't think she understands I can't work because I am 15!!!
Anyway, nothing happened. I was just watching Jacksgap and they do some really cool stuff. I mean even before they were famous via Youtube they did awesome stuff. I don't. I just sit at home and fill in surveys since today and blog. I really have nothing and no friends. Well, I have friends just not loads that like to go out.  The highlight so far is going window shopping for prom dresses as in 31 weeks I finish school and am off to college! Wooh. If your from America, I am not super smart and graduated really early but in England college is equivalent to Junior/Senior year.
Anyway, I found this girl on youtube and she's a model and she said to get a flat stomach just eat less. That's very hard for me as I'm a foodaholic and she said just drink a glass of water before food so you feel more full and eat less. It works. Well, it did for one day but today I couldn't be bothered to get a glass of water so I just ate crisps, chocolate, more chocolate and sweets. I really am going to have an awful stomach. I mean I thought that since I'm small I'll have a flat stomach to compensate but I just can't. Why should I give up food?
I am still going to try. I really want pretty prom pictures and then I can go on a food binge.

If you want to make money and your a teenager who doesn't want to leave  their house try: ipoll.

Pumpkin Soup

Have you seen Kate Nash's song Pumpkin Soup, even though it sounds really unique and different. However it is as cliquey as all the other songs. In other words it is very misleading; it never once mentions the words pumpkin soup and should be called 'kiss boy' instead. Don't get me wrong, i love Kate Nash, she has a very unique voice and its a bit like Lily Allen and Eliza Doolittle.

Soon enough, i will have a new mommy! Wooh! My Dad is getting remarried and only told us 2 weeks before the actual ceremony. I mean, are you actually kidding me? I got so angry and stomped around Sainsbury's whilst shoving every expensive item in the trolley- is i couldn't break verbally i would break his credit card. But that's old news now, i have now got over it. What ever happened has happened. Right? so i now concentrated on the minor details: my clothes, make-up, hair, jewelry and even painful mistake that would cost me later, bridesmaids? Since we didn't know about the wedding, we hadn't brought any dresses or make-up or anything that would be suitable for your dads marriage. Of course he thought of this- well, just the clothes- and bought us a dress each but he didn't have our measurements so instead of asking us like any reasonable person, he made them up. He just gave the tailor our heights and then let them do the rest. They are ugly. Not only do i look like a Christmas tree and flat-chested but i also look 5. I mean the height of myself would lead you to conclude that anyway but this dress is absolutely no help whatsoever. Last time, he nought us the most beautiful dresses and i have no doubt that they were expensive but it wasn't even for his wedding. This time, he scrimps out for his own WEDDING! That doesn't make sense, i mean i'm not a guy but even that logic for a guy doesn't even make sense.

Anyway, about the bridesmaid thing. I just wanted to be a part of Dad's wedding,  i didn't want to be left out even though spending the whole day with a woman i have met twice,i still fail to comprehend how i thought that would make me a bigger part of the wedding! So now, we have to endure little things for her because of my gobby mouth. Such a large mouth on such a small person. Its kind of contradictory. Isn't it? My really tall friends are shy. Now the world is really a strange place.

If there's no food in the house, what do you do? I mean, the logical explanation would be to go and buy more food right? No, i mean my Dad is a whole kind of special. He decided that me and my sister need exercise and make us walk to Sainsbury's to buy at first, just bread then some vegetables and then frozen pizza. Just frigging go to the supermarket!! But you have to wait a week in his books. Then we couldn't just the kitchen paper because it was too expensive, but i don't mean in the supermarket but he had already bought the kitchen roll. But we weren't allowed to use it. What? So it's just there to look good with the duck perched on it's head? Then he got angry because i took the last mug and he had to wash another one! What is going through that mans head?


I am just going to put this weird behaviour- yes, this is weird for my Dad, he is normally a little tight with money but this is extreme- to the fact that he is getting married and has loads of people going to come from America and such. 

Anyway, if you want to listen to the inspiration of this post;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCr81kVTdqE
And if you like reading, some of my early works in the making: http://www.wattpad.com/user/whatifx

So this is like pumpkin soup- nothing to do with Pumpkin Soup. :)
 

A little post, like me

Have you noticed how I have been on this loads recently; that's because it's the summer and I am so bored. I literally tidied the towel cupboard, the shoe cupboard and all the kitchen cupboards to avoid homework. Now I am leaving for the rest of the summer holidays and won't get back the day before I have to go to school! Way to go me! I get to come back to rushing around frantically to finish my homework when I know full well that it's a week worth.
Anyway, I think this frequent upload thing, it's going to stop i'm going to go back to the too lazy to do anything- even my laptop. I know, i'm just frankly weird. I don't know how I spend me weekdays. Normally you just surf the internet or play video games or practise sports. Me? I don't know...maybe i'll lie down because I had to walk to the bus stop today...6 hours ago. Therefore I need a rest. Honestly, I don't know how my day goes. I don't sit and watch the clock...like in ICT.
I know I will be bored when I go on holiday because that's a lot of time to fill when we always go to the same place and there's only so much to do. But the chances of me going to the computer are very slim because there are many other things to do; browse youtube and admire TROYE SIVAN'S FACE! Have you seen it? It's like mother nature, herself sculpted him. If you don't know who he is...just go away or google him. I would go with google him because then you can drool over him too! And he's not too old for me either! He's only 18. HAHA! I'm only joking, the chances of me getting with a Youtube star are very slim. Like I grew tall and pretty over the summer. I will actually believe that I may have a chance that maybe Troye could like me....just maybe.
Oh yeah..i was meant to be doing my geography...right........
Like I said: a little post. :)

PS. I kinda do like comments. Even though I am not doing this for reads, I promised myself. Anyone can comment even if you don't have an account.

Dear Mother...

I just want to say that since I don't have to face your face anymore, I thought I would write this letter to you. I ran away for many reasons but the main was I couldn't deal with you anymore. I couldn't deal with your lies, your teasing that actually also had something to do with my lack of confidence and your loneliness that converts to emotional neediness.
I am truly sorry, mother, that your marriage didn't work out. But it has been 5 years, please move on. Dad has. You want us to be your children, your husband and everything else. You have stopped treating us like children but more like pets; order us about and still expect admiration, respect and good attitude. I don't think you understand the meaning of hypocrisy. Because if you did, you wouldn't say you need help with the ironing because you can't do it all but if I say could you help, when i'm doing it, all hell breaks lose and I am a weakling.
You are fine for short periods of time but you're like Thornton's ice-cream, you can only take so many before you feel sick and overwhelmed.

Do not ever think that I don't love you....

Yours truly,
Your daughter

P.S. I left because there were times when I had to remind myself that I had only two years left with you, then I can leave you. No child should feel that.

That's what I would have said to my mother if I did leave but I can't leave, I have to save up and get a decent education. Don't get me wrong, I am not being abused or crap. Just tired of my mother's crap. I'm such a weakling because hundreds of people go through this but I can't deal with it. I needed to get it out there.....if I can't confide in friends, a diary(too lazy to write) or family I go to the worldwide internet. I know you think I am a bitch. But I would never actually say that; I don't have the courage and I am just angry. I'm just the usual hormonal teenager.

Like a bubbly ginger ale....

I AM BACK! Not like terminator, I am not going round killing people. But I am back to being my cheery,  naïve, annoying, peppy self. If you did not know my age: fifteen(recently turned) you would indeed think I was 8. Firstly because I am the size of a garden gnome and secondly because I am VERY childish.

It's like I have many different faces, mainly the one of being smiley but somehow at school I manage this perception that I am quiet, shy and hard-working. When indeed my mother has had to confiscate my IPhone, my brand new shoes(that I loved so much I even did the hoover in them) and my free-time. I am now being forced to learn how to cook, it's not even a little splash into the pool with a step-by-step guide but a push-off-the-cliff-into-the-deepest-part-of-the-ocean. I was made to do a roast chicken on Sunday...I know grown women(mostly on desperate housewives) who struggle to cook one of them. But of course a fifteen year-old who struggles to make gravy(adding hot water to a powder) will be fine, cooking a chicken -in which you could get a disease from it being under cooked-, making sweet potato chips, a marinade and making some kind of side of vegetables to go with it. Let me tell you now: IT WAS NOT FINE.

i may not be the best reader of body language but I know when someone looks as if they're going to sick whilst shoving my food in their mouth. IT IS NOT TASTY. So mother, i don't know what century you grew up in but in this one...you may as well spill the truth because lying will induce you to further torture when i try to cook more - which i wont be doing- and force you to eat it.

Although i have recently discovered i am not a entire fail in the kitchen; i was thirsty on the now cold, rainy British day so i wanted a steamy hot mocha. but of course there was none, i used my magnificent culinary skills to put coffee grains in a mug as well as hot chocolate powder in the same mug. Creating a mocha of my own accord! i am not a total fail of a woman. I'll just have to date a chef or Tesco...so they can provide me with ready-meals for my entire life. SEE MOTHER I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO ROAST A CHICKEN WHEN ASDA DOES HOT CHICKEN COOKED AND READY TO EAT!!!!

this same principle should be taken into account for school, you always see those funny links to pictures where they state why they don't need maths: they have a calculator, history: they're already dead. But my reason is more serious to that, i mean so just because Hitler is dead we should forget him and let Nazi's rule because Hitler's dead so we shouldn't worry. NO DUMBASS! Or when you're in the market buying peaches and the greedy person behind the counter asks for £5 for two peaches, are you going to get out your calculator to check that two peaches at 50p each should be £5? Let me tell you know: markets are busy places. If you do not say something, someone will push you to the back so they can ask for tomatoes even though it's a stand clearly just for peaches. No, my main point is that why should you learn irrelevant stuff that just junks up your brain? I don't need to know poems to become a pilot....

I don't want to become a pilot..it was just an example. I mean i lose every single game on Mario kart and i am literally the worst person on the small helicopter rides on the fairground because i always end up with the broken one that won't move and inch. I would end up with the faulty plane or i would break it.....

Anyway, i just don't think we should be forced to learn the stuff that we won't need; geography, i don't want to be a geographer but i had to take a humanities!! I love geography because it is fairly easy but i would have much rather taken an option that maybe taught me how democracy works or just basic plumbing courses so I'm not entirely helpless or what to do now to help me get into universities. That would be so much more helpful than finding out if tourism has a positive or negative effect on Jamaica or something!

And i thought i wasn't girly enough....i just spent this whole thing ranting. And a woman loves to rant.

Hasta la Vista, baby.

So maybe i am like terminator....


PS. Just wondering if there was anyone out there actually reading. I didn't realise i had limited comments to users only, so its open to everyone now. Just send me a comment. I'm not one of those people just in this for the reads i just needed something to get my messed-up brain some place to free. But i was just curious. :)

Bi-polar? Or just teenage hormones?

I have decided to nurse my mental health back up instead of focusing on my physical self; not doing squats to gain long, slender legs but blogging to release my pent-up feelings. Sometimes I think I may lose my friends if I share with them the stuff that rages on in my head. So I decided to release it via the internet, where no-one will read it. The place where millions of websites lie and mine is somewhere within there.

As said before my mental health is slowly decreasing. I am somehow becoming very reclusive and have a unhealthy addiction to a cartoon game on my IPhone. I tend to speak less instead of rambling until someone really wants to go buy a gun and shoot my and then themselves. I get more looks of: is she for real? Isn't she bitchy? I just repeat the same old routine of my life: go to school, meet at my friend's locker, listen to my others friend's babble and maybe add a comment to show that I am listening, progress to my lessons, go home where I have to deal with my mother's loneliness ( after the divorce she hasn't had a long-term boyfriend, and so she decides divulge her anger into her emotions therefore making her an emotionless wreck like she's eternally on her period). Maybe I am tired. sometimes it feels like I'm not there, I'm on onlooker. I don't feel fully there; just going through days. Maybe I'm just waiting till the summer holidays but I'm not like that. I'm just happy all-the-time. Trying to always see positive. I won't allow myself to hate my bullies. Why? I think to myself that they are just trying to release their emotions onto me, they are just copying their friends so i can't give  them bad karma because of that. That is mean and stupid. I don't want to be the old-bat in the attic sitting in a rocking chair and whispering to herself because she's so messed up and twisted inside. I want to be the positive person.

Now my physical health is somehow draining; I have really short and stubby legs opposed to the short but kind of thin legs before, I have a fat belly hanging over my jeans and my arms are very fat (as I found out in a recent picture of me). The plan was to squat 5 times each day followed by 10 stomach-crunches and some good old stretching to regain some height that I have lost to my fellow students.

Back to my mental health as i am meant to be nursing that! I think i may like my bully. Not a good move. At first, i thought he liked me (thanks to my friend who said so, as she saw our twitter conversation and i of-course dismissed it but the thought remained in my head), i followed how he talked to me and if he looked at me. Due to the rare occasion of someone liking me, if i think they are ok, i tend to like them back. I just thought he was nice, just not to me, as my other friend says he is very nice and they are best-friends. I reminisced the past stories of how bullies bullying to gain attention or even affection from the victim. I had a possibility in my brain that he could like me. I soon realised, like any other case where I thought they liked me, he didn't like me. So i think that i may like him. I am not sure whether I do. I will not allow myself to go there. Crushes always mess things up-especially with my social status.

Then the case with my friends, i feel as if i am slowly drifting away from them as well as my family. This is what i mean with becoming reclusive. I just don't care anymore. I don't care whether my family hates me. I don't care whether my friends are trying to push me out the group. I don't care that everyone seems to be teasing me more-actually i do care, i have just become more self-conscious. At first i thought i has reached Nirvana but then i realised i'm not a Buddhist nor do i think that is i was in Nirvana i would still be living my trashy hell hole of a life. I do realise that people are homeless or being abused but when you are a teenager everything is the worst for YOU and no-one else matters.

Sometimes i get these awful splitting headaches and i thought that i had a tumour or something, i then went onto fantasize whether everyone would be nice to me if i had a tumour or if i could just stand-up in class and say what i really want to say to people and teachers. Or maybe run away and just experience life. Well, not too much. I don't want to end up pregnant or just dead already from gang fights or drugs. When i said i want to experience life i meant; i want to go sky-diving, i want to live in another country for a while, i want to make new friends that aren't wusses and that go to house parties and live more care free. Then it all comes crashing down to me in Physics again that I'm not in that situation. And if i was, what would my family be like? What would happen to my sister, would she go off the rails like in the magazines? What about my over-emotional friend, would she be traumatized that she has a friend who is dead?

I really actually am a happy person, just fantasies like that help me to get away from my life now. Think about what could have happened if i had joined that school a year later, or even a year earlier. If i had hung around with a different crowd instead. Said something's different to the police.  I know some people say that that makes you, who you are. I mean i could be a drug-addict instead if i had chosen to hang around with that group. Or i could be pregnant or getting STD's if i had some a year later or even a year earlier.

Honestly, i'm fed up. I just can't be bothered- and not just to do the washing-up or hang out the clothes- but plaster my face with that bogus smile when really i am tired, angry and hurt at the world. I just don't se the point. What's the point in pretending to be happy. Sometimes it really does make me feel happy when someone makes me laugh. But it's times when i'm trying hard to muster that smile up from deep within once someone has taken the mick'. I don't want to be that girl that everyone walks over. That everyone thinks it's okay to walk away while i'm still talking or ignore me when they clearly heard me. Or use me for something. I love being peppy, i love feeling as if i can give someone energy. I love feeling as if everything is alright. That peppy bounce makes me feel different; i'm not a regular teenager, i can fight that urge to crawl into bed or scream at everyone- but i can't. I could until now, i survived 2 years fighting of that urge. Now it's overcoming me. So maybe it is teenage hormones.

But then i see my mum: she is definitely not a teenager and she is very hormonal. I hate feeling needy and soppy. I love being independent and confident. My mum is only like that in front of other people, at home she crumbles. She isn't that hard rock she presents. But very emotionally demanding. I don't want to be like that. Covering up or presenting something that's not true. But i already have. I want to truly feel peppy. 

That's why i blogged, even after months of hiding away.  i have come out of my cave. So i'm just not sure yet if i am truly different from my mother, who's have genetic information, and it is just teenage hormones.

Sorry, peeps

So for anyone actually out there reading this, or is it still just myself? Well anyway, Peeps, i am sorry. for being awful and not blogging. So....yeah..glad that's out in the open. I feel lighter..yep..probs because i've stopped eating now. I never stop eating, i always have food. That's why my all time favourite song is.......'Food, glorious, Food' by Oliver Twist. Hell, yeah. he had the right idea! everyone should sing about food! Why would you not! Its just so amazing and gorgeous. No wonder people take comfort in it, i mean, its reliable, nice, always there, doesn't yabber away, tastes amazing and not to mention....DOES NOT JUDGE! So when i am eating my way through my second whole, Costco sized blueberry muffin. It doesn't pull a stern face or tut it just sits there and waits for it to be eaten. How sweet? See, i told you! Don't you love it?  Oh and also if you don't know what Costco is, well then my dear friend(s) you have not lived so therefore there is no point in explaining it! If you really are that desperate, google it. That's practically my answer for everything! Isn't it everyones? Of course it is! Who am i kidding?

Soooo...i kind of have ran out of things to say about food, i know shocker, right? But, well i am pretty tired at 9pm! Hah, i know you can laugh, i am a wimp. i normally stay up really late and just read but i feel pretty tired. Probs from doing nothing, i know that really is tiring.So i know, i sound like a mega geek? Who the hell stays up till 3am just to read, in my defence they are really good books. Not really helping, am i? Oh, well what the hell do i care? If i am a geek, i don't care. Yeah you think 'geeks' are boring and drone on. Well, don't you have another think coming. I am clearly not dull, not to boast, but i am crazy. I actually asked my friend if one of those panels on the wall open up and if there is a magic portal behind! Yeaaaah....okay....maybe i was hyper on stuff there. Btw, stuff does not mean drugs it means skittles!  I mean who cannot love skittles? They are like little balls of fin and colour! Omg, i think im going to dream about skittles, tonight. Not like a sick dream but you know the place in Ice age when the little cute squirrel floats in the acorn heaven? Well, replace all the acorns with skittles, there you have an exact replica of my to-be dream. Yeah...how many people are jealous i can choose my dreams? Yeah, well not for very long, i cant choose, i'm just hoping that's my dream. Cas lately i have been getting awful nightmares....yeah not like stupid clowns or monsters but they feel so real life ones.

Do you want to know it? Well, don't laugh, oh who am i kidding? Who would laugh, its probably just going to be me reading this. Sooo anyway, i get nightmares of my crazy, stupid, whacky but oh-how-i-love-so-much sister dying. I keep getting to the news of her dying, it just hits me over and over again. Each night. And every time, i somehow forget. It's awful, once  i even lay awake for 6hrs just waiting for morning so i didn't have to close my eyes. I didn't even imagine what i would do. So later during the day, i just think sometimes i would go all silent and focus on studying. Then i think if it happened i would go extremely hyper to make up for my sister, or just if anyone left her somehow to die, just kill that person. (obvss not literally, I'm not that loony but just disown them and stuff because at the moment i keep having the dream where my cousin leaves my sister to die). So yeah....im glad that's out.

Okay....now probably in the future when i do read this(to give myself my first read on this post, Ahah because no one is really sad enough to read my crap) i will think i am loony. And bonkers and really need to go into a mental home. Sooo....yeah if someone does read this and you do get really worried by this. DONT! Okay, I'm usually not into that tell all stuff. So probs that wont happen again, so yeah. Just thought i would share that with someone, even it is my future self. Soooo.....

Yeah bye Peeps. I have done a really long bloggy, kinda to make up for my missing presence of 2 months. So yeah dudes(also another nickname for my so-called audience), peace out.