Bi-polar? Or just teenage hormones?

I have decided to nurse my mental health back up instead of focusing on my physical self; not doing squats to gain long, slender legs but blogging to release my pent-up feelings. Sometimes I think I may lose my friends if I share with them the stuff that rages on in my head. So I decided to release it via the internet, where no-one will read it. The place where millions of websites lie and mine is somewhere within there.

As said before my mental health is slowly decreasing. I am somehow becoming very reclusive and have a unhealthy addiction to a cartoon game on my IPhone. I tend to speak less instead of rambling until someone really wants to go buy a gun and shoot my and then themselves. I get more looks of: is she for real? Isn't she bitchy? I just repeat the same old routine of my life: go to school, meet at my friend's locker, listen to my others friend's babble and maybe add a comment to show that I am listening, progress to my lessons, go home where I have to deal with my mother's loneliness ( after the divorce she hasn't had a long-term boyfriend, and so she decides divulge her anger into her emotions therefore making her an emotionless wreck like she's eternally on her period). Maybe I am tired. sometimes it feels like I'm not there, I'm on onlooker. I don't feel fully there; just going through days. Maybe I'm just waiting till the summer holidays but I'm not like that. I'm just happy all-the-time. Trying to always see positive. I won't allow myself to hate my bullies. Why? I think to myself that they are just trying to release their emotions onto me, they are just copying their friends so i can't give  them bad karma because of that. That is mean and stupid. I don't want to be the old-bat in the attic sitting in a rocking chair and whispering to herself because she's so messed up and twisted inside. I want to be the positive person.

Now my physical health is somehow draining; I have really short and stubby legs opposed to the short but kind of thin legs before, I have a fat belly hanging over my jeans and my arms are very fat (as I found out in a recent picture of me). The plan was to squat 5 times each day followed by 10 stomach-crunches and some good old stretching to regain some height that I have lost to my fellow students.

Back to my mental health as i am meant to be nursing that! I think i may like my bully. Not a good move. At first, i thought he liked me (thanks to my friend who said so, as she saw our twitter conversation and i of-course dismissed it but the thought remained in my head), i followed how he talked to me and if he looked at me. Due to the rare occasion of someone liking me, if i think they are ok, i tend to like them back. I just thought he was nice, just not to me, as my other friend says he is very nice and they are best-friends. I reminisced the past stories of how bullies bullying to gain attention or even affection from the victim. I had a possibility in my brain that he could like me. I soon realised, like any other case where I thought they liked me, he didn't like me. So i think that i may like him. I am not sure whether I do. I will not allow myself to go there. Crushes always mess things up-especially with my social status.

Then the case with my friends, i feel as if i am slowly drifting away from them as well as my family. This is what i mean with becoming reclusive. I just don't care anymore. I don't care whether my family hates me. I don't care whether my friends are trying to push me out the group. I don't care that everyone seems to be teasing me more-actually i do care, i have just become more self-conscious. At first i thought i has reached Nirvana but then i realised i'm not a Buddhist nor do i think that is i was in Nirvana i would still be living my trashy hell hole of a life. I do realise that people are homeless or being abused but when you are a teenager everything is the worst for YOU and no-one else matters.

Sometimes i get these awful splitting headaches and i thought that i had a tumour or something, i then went onto fantasize whether everyone would be nice to me if i had a tumour or if i could just stand-up in class and say what i really want to say to people and teachers. Or maybe run away and just experience life. Well, not too much. I don't want to end up pregnant or just dead already from gang fights or drugs. When i said i want to experience life i meant; i want to go sky-diving, i want to live in another country for a while, i want to make new friends that aren't wusses and that go to house parties and live more care free. Then it all comes crashing down to me in Physics again that I'm not in that situation. And if i was, what would my family be like? What would happen to my sister, would she go off the rails like in the magazines? What about my over-emotional friend, would she be traumatized that she has a friend who is dead?

I really actually am a happy person, just fantasies like that help me to get away from my life now. Think about what could have happened if i had joined that school a year later, or even a year earlier. If i had hung around with a different crowd instead. Said something's different to the police.  I know some people say that that makes you, who you are. I mean i could be a drug-addict instead if i had chosen to hang around with that group. Or i could be pregnant or getting STD's if i had some a year later or even a year earlier.

Honestly, i'm fed up. I just can't be bothered- and not just to do the washing-up or hang out the clothes- but plaster my face with that bogus smile when really i am tired, angry and hurt at the world. I just don't se the point. What's the point in pretending to be happy. Sometimes it really does make me feel happy when someone makes me laugh. But it's times when i'm trying hard to muster that smile up from deep within once someone has taken the mick'. I don't want to be that girl that everyone walks over. That everyone thinks it's okay to walk away while i'm still talking or ignore me when they clearly heard me. Or use me for something. I love being peppy, i love feeling as if i can give someone energy. I love feeling as if everything is alright. That peppy bounce makes me feel different; i'm not a regular teenager, i can fight that urge to crawl into bed or scream at everyone- but i can't. I could until now, i survived 2 years fighting of that urge. Now it's overcoming me. So maybe it is teenage hormones.

But then i see my mum: she is definitely not a teenager and she is very hormonal. I hate feeling needy and soppy. I love being independent and confident. My mum is only like that in front of other people, at home she crumbles. She isn't that hard rock she presents. But very emotionally demanding. I don't want to be like that. Covering up or presenting something that's not true. But i already have. I want to truly feel peppy. 

That's why i blogged, even after months of hiding away.  i have come out of my cave. So i'm just not sure yet if i am truly different from my mother, who's have genetic information, and it is just teenage hormones.

Sorry, peeps

So for anyone actually out there reading this, or is it still just myself? Well anyway, Peeps, i am sorry. for being awful and not blogging. So....yeah..glad that's out in the open. I feel lighter..yep..probs because i've stopped eating now. I never stop eating, i always have food. That's why my all time favourite song is.......'Food, glorious, Food' by Oliver Twist. Hell, yeah. he had the right idea! everyone should sing about food! Why would you not! Its just so amazing and gorgeous. No wonder people take comfort in it, i mean, its reliable, nice, always there, doesn't yabber away, tastes amazing and not to mention....DOES NOT JUDGE! So when i am eating my way through my second whole, Costco sized blueberry muffin. It doesn't pull a stern face or tut it just sits there and waits for it to be eaten. How sweet? See, i told you! Don't you love it?  Oh and also if you don't know what Costco is, well then my dear friend(s) you have not lived so therefore there is no point in explaining it! If you really are that desperate, google it. That's practically my answer for everything! Isn't it everyones? Of course it is! Who am i kidding?

Soooo...i kind of have ran out of things to say about food, i know shocker, right? But, well i am pretty tired at 9pm! Hah, i know you can laugh, i am a wimp. i normally stay up really late and just read but i feel pretty tired. Probs from doing nothing, i know that really is tiring.So i know, i sound like a mega geek? Who the hell stays up till 3am just to read, in my defence they are really good books. Not really helping, am i? Oh, well what the hell do i care? If i am a geek, i don't care. Yeah you think 'geeks' are boring and drone on. Well, don't you have another think coming. I am clearly not dull, not to boast, but i am crazy. I actually asked my friend if one of those panels on the wall open up and if there is a magic portal behind! Yeaaaah....okay....maybe i was hyper on stuff there. Btw, stuff does not mean drugs it means skittles!  I mean who cannot love skittles? They are like little balls of fin and colour! Omg, i think im going to dream about skittles, tonight. Not like a sick dream but you know the place in Ice age when the little cute squirrel floats in the acorn heaven? Well, replace all the acorns with skittles, there you have an exact replica of my to-be dream. Yeah...how many people are jealous i can choose my dreams? Yeah, well not for very long, i cant choose, i'm just hoping that's my dream. Cas lately i have been getting awful nightmares....yeah not like stupid clowns or monsters but they feel so real life ones.

Do you want to know it? Well, don't laugh, oh who am i kidding? Who would laugh, its probably just going to be me reading this. Sooo anyway, i get nightmares of my crazy, stupid, whacky but oh-how-i-love-so-much sister dying. I keep getting to the news of her dying, it just hits me over and over again. Each night. And every time, i somehow forget. It's awful, once  i even lay awake for 6hrs just waiting for morning so i didn't have to close my eyes. I didn't even imagine what i would do. So later during the day, i just think sometimes i would go all silent and focus on studying. Then i think if it happened i would go extremely hyper to make up for my sister, or just if anyone left her somehow to die, just kill that person. (obvss not literally, I'm not that loony but just disown them and stuff because at the moment i keep having the dream where my cousin leaves my sister to die). So yeah....im glad that's out.

Okay....now probably in the future when i do read this(to give myself my first read on this post, Ahah because no one is really sad enough to read my crap) i will think i am loony. And bonkers and really need to go into a mental home. Sooo....yeah if someone does read this and you do get really worried by this. DONT! Okay, I'm usually not into that tell all stuff. So probs that wont happen again, so yeah. Just thought i would share that with someone, even it is my future self. Soooo.....

Yeah bye Peeps. I have done a really long bloggy, kinda to make up for my missing presence of 2 months. So yeah dudes(also another nickname for my so-called audience), peace out.

oops sorry

Haven't written for a while but i guess that's normal for me...unreliable and irresponsible! i know you are meant to be a lot of things to succeed including positive. But hell no! If they think i will be positive about coming to school everyday and going through the same bloody routine everyday! Then they have another thing coming! I mean fair enough put some enthusiasm into somethings but a constant smile and people are going to think I'm on crack!

As well as this if i have so much confidence I'm going to have a massive ego! Trust me i do not want  that and also I'm really shy! Now that angered me! Where the hell did the girl where i entered public speaking competitions and crap like that? I can't even stand in front of a bloody class and read a statement without shaking i think i have a problem! I have no confidence...ok.. well that's a lie. I'm pretty confident outside of school and loud and annoying but in school i can't stop eating my jumper and I'm terrible with confrontation but at home well i live to argue with my sibling!

Have i changed so much? Wow this post is deep, i should value it not very often ;does it come. Ok i get it you think i am crazy but 1. How the hell am I meant to ask these random question to my best friends without looking at me funny and sending my to psychiatric ward 2. And my mother had me tested so I'm not! (Did anyone else love 'Big Band Theory'? Or am i just that sad? )In fact don't even answer that i don't want to know because i have a feeling i won't like the answer!

Oh and peeps(my now nickname for my audience of one-myself) does anyone know how to work this damn blogger thing? All i know how to do is post and i think i even get that wrong!

Boredom

So I'm looking on the Internet and watching t.v randomly now. I just can't concentrate! I want to call it boredom but it's not it's just this weird feeling like lack of motivation but yet at school i am somehow woken up? Isn't that the opposite to normal people, therefore am i not normal? I even searched TEEN BOREDOM! apparently lot's of teens go through it but it's because of a reason..like there is nothing going on in their lives that they have to be enthusiastic about, yet me, i have so much going on right now it's overwhelming. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME IF IT IS JUST ME WHO IS FEELING LIKE THIS????

No offence but I'm not really a writer i am just writing because at this particular moment it keeps my mind occupied. My stories are crap and i have an imagination of a potato...i would say five year old but as everyone knows they can come up with brilliant theories for everything and the first time i listened to one i found myself nodding in awe. But i love to read books. i just get wrapped up in one for days without stopping until i have finished it and then reading the next in the series leaving my GCSE'S to pile up and be left and my whole life turning upside down just to finish this book...and the next and the next..of course until they finish. I become quite depressed and wonder and every single detail and then wondering why my life is not like that. Obviously i am not reading any books because my life turns to havoc but i miss the feeling. I just can't win!

Honestly, i think my brain just has it's own conversations wondering about whether to do things or to say things!

first intro about me

so this is what i do now in my spare time. i have obviously nothing better to do, not that writing a blog is a bad thing, considerably not! In fact I'm pretty sure it's pretty different, getting unknown people and readers opening your writing that is all over the Internet. Normally the competitive streak wins and you race to have as many readers, the number increasing as your blog holds gossip or whatever exciting things excite the world today.

But what happens if you share your feelings? Does that just mean you have no friends? Maybe...... if i were to explain my feelings then wouldn't everyone have to know the whole background of my life(so far) and every detail to really understand. That would take ages....... well, not that long since 1. my life is as interesting as  a dried pea and 2. my life only consists of 14 years. The latter meaning i have very little experience. huh...i wonder if anyone will actually read this or am i just rabbiting on about whatever spontaneous junk fills my head at this current moment? Or am i experiencing the first signs of craziness and talking to myself, online, completely humiliating myself.