An intuder

The looming thought of the English exam crossed her mind as she sat on her bed after a long, exhausting swimming training session. The day had held multiple CAU work composing of silence and writing while her brain swarmed with other ideas; but she pushd them out and tried to focus on the current test. Why is tourism bad? How do you spell that? How do you program that? How would I phrase that the the number can never be negative? Why is Shakespeare right? Is love ever-lasting? Will my dad desert me? But she pushed harder so the thoughts just lingered in her sub-conscience.

Now all the thoughts came rushing back. She couldn't understand how she did it before the summer holidays when all that mattered was that test, or if something said something weird. Now, she couldn't care less that her friend cancelled shopping as she was 'grounded' when she knew she was going out to her boyfriend's house instead. All that plagued her mind was whether she will get the perfect prom dress, if she will find a new phone for her finished contract or if her dad will pay her university fees after he's got married- her step-mom might be evil. It was a strangest sensation; she had always wished that she didn't care what anyone thought but she still wanted to care about her school work or her families opinions. It was if her brain had inserted windows and everything that was important flew through and everything that was meagre stayed. She repeated to herself that she wasn't in the school frame of mind yet but she knew better: she was finally beyond caring, she was rebelling.

Her peers had rebelled during the previous years when the biggest consequence was a detention but now the stakes were higher, she could fail her GCSE's. They wouldn't turn in homework, they would get drunk or do some other self-expression mark. Maybe a tattoo or a belly piercing or even cutting themselves to gain attention. However, she just didn't care.

She turned very shallow; finding out her horoscope or newest beauty tip was more important than revising for her 25% of her geography coursework due tomorrow. Her closest friends became irritating and she wondered why she ever made friends with them or how she could cope with them for 5 years. She still watched her mouth though because she knew when she came out of this 'reverie' she would still like them and want her friends. It was if another person was living her life and overtook her body.

This other person cared about horoscopes, as far as living of what it said. When she knew she should be revising, the horoscope had said explore your talent and so she did. Although, she didn't know her talent; she still doesn't but she reverted to this instead. Her closest means of talent. She even adjusted her 400 songs on iTunes to avoid her homework.

The smallest suspicion that her partner in English liked her, grew until that's all she thought about. Although she knew deep inside her heart that he didn't, no-one would like her, but she did it so her mind was kept off topic. The choice of wallpaper plagued her mind rather than her upcoming CV writing or that she needed to apply for 6th forms soon before the deadlines.

In case you hadn't realised this so far, this mysterious girl with an intruder in her body is read.all.aboutt.it - she's me. The idea to write in third person is much easier to address her problems and convey them to her readers. She knows you may not understand what she feels like or that you may think that the 'Devil' has come into her, but it's nothing religious. She's just worried that this effect will have devastating long-term effects.

So.....

I googled 'how teens can make money online' and blogging came up. I was thinking, hell no! No-one makes money unless you are very famous. So I did the survey one and so far I have made....a grand total of £3.66 after 5 surveys! But, that's better than nothing, right?
I was thinking of just saving up the points to get my little sister a £10 gift voucher for amazon and something awesome from Starbucks. My mum is trying to get me to work and I don't think she understands I can't work because I am 15!!!
Anyway, nothing happened. I was just watching Jacksgap and they do some really cool stuff. I mean even before they were famous via Youtube they did awesome stuff. I don't. I just sit at home and fill in surveys since today and blog. I really have nothing and no friends. Well, I have friends just not loads that like to go out.  The highlight so far is going window shopping for prom dresses as in 31 weeks I finish school and am off to college! Wooh. If your from America, I am not super smart and graduated really early but in England college is equivalent to Junior/Senior year.
Anyway, I found this girl on youtube and she's a model and she said to get a flat stomach just eat less. That's very hard for me as I'm a foodaholic and she said just drink a glass of water before food so you feel more full and eat less. It works. Well, it did for one day but today I couldn't be bothered to get a glass of water so I just ate crisps, chocolate, more chocolate and sweets. I really am going to have an awful stomach. I mean I thought that since I'm small I'll have a flat stomach to compensate but I just can't. Why should I give up food?
I am still going to try. I really want pretty prom pictures and then I can go on a food binge.

If you want to make money and your a teenager who doesn't want to leave  their house try: ipoll.

Pumpkin Soup

Have you seen Kate Nash's song Pumpkin Soup, even though it sounds really unique and different. However it is as cliquey as all the other songs. In other words it is very misleading; it never once mentions the words pumpkin soup and should be called 'kiss boy' instead. Don't get me wrong, i love Kate Nash, she has a very unique voice and its a bit like Lily Allen and Eliza Doolittle.

Soon enough, i will have a new mommy! Wooh! My Dad is getting remarried and only told us 2 weeks before the actual ceremony. I mean, are you actually kidding me? I got so angry and stomped around Sainsbury's whilst shoving every expensive item in the trolley- is i couldn't break verbally i would break his credit card. But that's old news now, i have now got over it. What ever happened has happened. Right? so i now concentrated on the minor details: my clothes, make-up, hair, jewelry and even painful mistake that would cost me later, bridesmaids? Since we didn't know about the wedding, we hadn't brought any dresses or make-up or anything that would be suitable for your dads marriage. Of course he thought of this- well, just the clothes- and bought us a dress each but he didn't have our measurements so instead of asking us like any reasonable person, he made them up. He just gave the tailor our heights and then let them do the rest. They are ugly. Not only do i look like a Christmas tree and flat-chested but i also look 5. I mean the height of myself would lead you to conclude that anyway but this dress is absolutely no help whatsoever. Last time, he nought us the most beautiful dresses and i have no doubt that they were expensive but it wasn't even for his wedding. This time, he scrimps out for his own WEDDING! That doesn't make sense, i mean i'm not a guy but even that logic for a guy doesn't even make sense.

Anyway, about the bridesmaid thing. I just wanted to be a part of Dad's wedding,  i didn't want to be left out even though spending the whole day with a woman i have met twice,i still fail to comprehend how i thought that would make me a bigger part of the wedding! So now, we have to endure little things for her because of my gobby mouth. Such a large mouth on such a small person. Its kind of contradictory. Isn't it? My really tall friends are shy. Now the world is really a strange place.

If there's no food in the house, what do you do? I mean, the logical explanation would be to go and buy more food right? No, i mean my Dad is a whole kind of special. He decided that me and my sister need exercise and make us walk to Sainsbury's to buy at first, just bread then some vegetables and then frozen pizza. Just frigging go to the supermarket!! But you have to wait a week in his books. Then we couldn't just the kitchen paper because it was too expensive, but i don't mean in the supermarket but he had already bought the kitchen roll. But we weren't allowed to use it. What? So it's just there to look good with the duck perched on it's head? Then he got angry because i took the last mug and he had to wash another one! What is going through that mans head?


I am just going to put this weird behaviour- yes, this is weird for my Dad, he is normally a little tight with money but this is extreme- to the fact that he is getting married and has loads of people going to come from America and such. 

Anyway, if you want to listen to the inspiration of this post;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCr81kVTdqE
And if you like reading, some of my early works in the making: http://www.wattpad.com/user/whatifx

So this is like pumpkin soup- nothing to do with Pumpkin Soup. :)
 

A little post, like me

Have you noticed how I have been on this loads recently; that's because it's the summer and I am so bored. I literally tidied the towel cupboard, the shoe cupboard and all the kitchen cupboards to avoid homework. Now I am leaving for the rest of the summer holidays and won't get back the day before I have to go to school! Way to go me! I get to come back to rushing around frantically to finish my homework when I know full well that it's a week worth.
Anyway, I think this frequent upload thing, it's going to stop i'm going to go back to the too lazy to do anything- even my laptop. I know, i'm just frankly weird. I don't know how I spend me weekdays. Normally you just surf the internet or play video games or practise sports. Me? I don't know...maybe i'll lie down because I had to walk to the bus stop today...6 hours ago. Therefore I need a rest. Honestly, I don't know how my day goes. I don't sit and watch the clock...like in ICT.
I know I will be bored when I go on holiday because that's a lot of time to fill when we always go to the same place and there's only so much to do. But the chances of me going to the computer are very slim because there are many other things to do; browse youtube and admire TROYE SIVAN'S FACE! Have you seen it? It's like mother nature, herself sculpted him. If you don't know who he is...just go away or google him. I would go with google him because then you can drool over him too! And he's not too old for me either! He's only 18. HAHA! I'm only joking, the chances of me getting with a Youtube star are very slim. Like I grew tall and pretty over the summer. I will actually believe that I may have a chance that maybe Troye could like me....just maybe.
Oh yeah..i was meant to be doing my geography...right........
Like I said: a little post. :)

PS. I kinda do like comments. Even though I am not doing this for reads, I promised myself. Anyone can comment even if you don't have an account.

Dear Mother...

I just want to say that since I don't have to face your face anymore, I thought I would write this letter to you. I ran away for many reasons but the main was I couldn't deal with you anymore. I couldn't deal with your lies, your teasing that actually also had something to do with my lack of confidence and your loneliness that converts to emotional neediness.
I am truly sorry, mother, that your marriage didn't work out. But it has been 5 years, please move on. Dad has. You want us to be your children, your husband and everything else. You have stopped treating us like children but more like pets; order us about and still expect admiration, respect and good attitude. I don't think you understand the meaning of hypocrisy. Because if you did, you wouldn't say you need help with the ironing because you can't do it all but if I say could you help, when i'm doing it, all hell breaks lose and I am a weakling.
You are fine for short periods of time but you're like Thornton's ice-cream, you can only take so many before you feel sick and overwhelmed.

Do not ever think that I don't love you....

Yours truly,
Your daughter

P.S. I left because there were times when I had to remind myself that I had only two years left with you, then I can leave you. No child should feel that.

That's what I would have said to my mother if I did leave but I can't leave, I have to save up and get a decent education. Don't get me wrong, I am not being abused or crap. Just tired of my mother's crap. I'm such a weakling because hundreds of people go through this but I can't deal with it. I needed to get it out there.....if I can't confide in friends, a diary(too lazy to write) or family I go to the worldwide internet. I know you think I am a bitch. But I would never actually say that; I don't have the courage and I am just angry. I'm just the usual hormonal teenager.

Like a bubbly ginger ale....

I AM BACK! Not like terminator, I am not going round killing people. But I am back to being my cheery,  naïve, annoying, peppy self. If you did not know my age: fifteen(recently turned) you would indeed think I was 8. Firstly because I am the size of a garden gnome and secondly because I am VERY childish.

It's like I have many different faces, mainly the one of being smiley but somehow at school I manage this perception that I am quiet, shy and hard-working. When indeed my mother has had to confiscate my IPhone, my brand new shoes(that I loved so much I even did the hoover in them) and my free-time. I am now being forced to learn how to cook, it's not even a little splash into the pool with a step-by-step guide but a push-off-the-cliff-into-the-deepest-part-of-the-ocean. I was made to do a roast chicken on Sunday...I know grown women(mostly on desperate housewives) who struggle to cook one of them. But of course a fifteen year-old who struggles to make gravy(adding hot water to a powder) will be fine, cooking a chicken -in which you could get a disease from it being under cooked-, making sweet potato chips, a marinade and making some kind of side of vegetables to go with it. Let me tell you now: IT WAS NOT FINE.

i may not be the best reader of body language but I know when someone looks as if they're going to sick whilst shoving my food in their mouth. IT IS NOT TASTY. So mother, i don't know what century you grew up in but in this one...you may as well spill the truth because lying will induce you to further torture when i try to cook more - which i wont be doing- and force you to eat it.

Although i have recently discovered i am not a entire fail in the kitchen; i was thirsty on the now cold, rainy British day so i wanted a steamy hot mocha. but of course there was none, i used my magnificent culinary skills to put coffee grains in a mug as well as hot chocolate powder in the same mug. Creating a mocha of my own accord! i am not a total fail of a woman. I'll just have to date a chef or Tesco...so they can provide me with ready-meals for my entire life. SEE MOTHER I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO ROAST A CHICKEN WHEN ASDA DOES HOT CHICKEN COOKED AND READY TO EAT!!!!

this same principle should be taken into account for school, you always see those funny links to pictures where they state why they don't need maths: they have a calculator, history: they're already dead. But my reason is more serious to that, i mean so just because Hitler is dead we should forget him and let Nazi's rule because Hitler's dead so we shouldn't worry. NO DUMBASS! Or when you're in the market buying peaches and the greedy person behind the counter asks for £5 for two peaches, are you going to get out your calculator to check that two peaches at 50p each should be £5? Let me tell you know: markets are busy places. If you do not say something, someone will push you to the back so they can ask for tomatoes even though it's a stand clearly just for peaches. No, my main point is that why should you learn irrelevant stuff that just junks up your brain? I don't need to know poems to become a pilot....

I don't want to become a pilot..it was just an example. I mean i lose every single game on Mario kart and i am literally the worst person on the small helicopter rides on the fairground because i always end up with the broken one that won't move and inch. I would end up with the faulty plane or i would break it.....

Anyway, i just don't think we should be forced to learn the stuff that we won't need; geography, i don't want to be a geographer but i had to take a humanities!! I love geography because it is fairly easy but i would have much rather taken an option that maybe taught me how democracy works or just basic plumbing courses so I'm not entirely helpless or what to do now to help me get into universities. That would be so much more helpful than finding out if tourism has a positive or negative effect on Jamaica or something!

And i thought i wasn't girly enough....i just spent this whole thing ranting. And a woman loves to rant.

Hasta la Vista, baby.

So maybe i am like terminator....


PS. Just wondering if there was anyone out there actually reading. I didn't realise i had limited comments to users only, so its open to everyone now. Just send me a comment. I'm not one of those people just in this for the reads i just needed something to get my messed-up brain some place to free. But i was just curious. :)

Bi-polar? Or just teenage hormones?

I have decided to nurse my mental health back up instead of focusing on my physical self; not doing squats to gain long, slender legs but blogging to release my pent-up feelings. Sometimes I think I may lose my friends if I share with them the stuff that rages on in my head. So I decided to release it via the internet, where no-one will read it. The place where millions of websites lie and mine is somewhere within there.

As said before my mental health is slowly decreasing. I am somehow becoming very reclusive and have a unhealthy addiction to a cartoon game on my IPhone. I tend to speak less instead of rambling until someone really wants to go buy a gun and shoot my and then themselves. I get more looks of: is she for real? Isn't she bitchy? I just repeat the same old routine of my life: go to school, meet at my friend's locker, listen to my others friend's babble and maybe add a comment to show that I am listening, progress to my lessons, go home where I have to deal with my mother's loneliness ( after the divorce she hasn't had a long-term boyfriend, and so she decides divulge her anger into her emotions therefore making her an emotionless wreck like she's eternally on her period). Maybe I am tired. sometimes it feels like I'm not there, I'm on onlooker. I don't feel fully there; just going through days. Maybe I'm just waiting till the summer holidays but I'm not like that. I'm just happy all-the-time. Trying to always see positive. I won't allow myself to hate my bullies. Why? I think to myself that they are just trying to release their emotions onto me, they are just copying their friends so i can't give  them bad karma because of that. That is mean and stupid. I don't want to be the old-bat in the attic sitting in a rocking chair and whispering to herself because she's so messed up and twisted inside. I want to be the positive person.

Now my physical health is somehow draining; I have really short and stubby legs opposed to the short but kind of thin legs before, I have a fat belly hanging over my jeans and my arms are very fat (as I found out in a recent picture of me). The plan was to squat 5 times each day followed by 10 stomach-crunches and some good old stretching to regain some height that I have lost to my fellow students.

Back to my mental health as i am meant to be nursing that! I think i may like my bully. Not a good move. At first, i thought he liked me (thanks to my friend who said so, as she saw our twitter conversation and i of-course dismissed it but the thought remained in my head), i followed how he talked to me and if he looked at me. Due to the rare occasion of someone liking me, if i think they are ok, i tend to like them back. I just thought he was nice, just not to me, as my other friend says he is very nice and they are best-friends. I reminisced the past stories of how bullies bullying to gain attention or even affection from the victim. I had a possibility in my brain that he could like me. I soon realised, like any other case where I thought they liked me, he didn't like me. So i think that i may like him. I am not sure whether I do. I will not allow myself to go there. Crushes always mess things up-especially with my social status.

Then the case with my friends, i feel as if i am slowly drifting away from them as well as my family. This is what i mean with becoming reclusive. I just don't care anymore. I don't care whether my family hates me. I don't care whether my friends are trying to push me out the group. I don't care that everyone seems to be teasing me more-actually i do care, i have just become more self-conscious. At first i thought i has reached Nirvana but then i realised i'm not a Buddhist nor do i think that is i was in Nirvana i would still be living my trashy hell hole of a life. I do realise that people are homeless or being abused but when you are a teenager everything is the worst for YOU and no-one else matters.

Sometimes i get these awful splitting headaches and i thought that i had a tumour or something, i then went onto fantasize whether everyone would be nice to me if i had a tumour or if i could just stand-up in class and say what i really want to say to people and teachers. Or maybe run away and just experience life. Well, not too much. I don't want to end up pregnant or just dead already from gang fights or drugs. When i said i want to experience life i meant; i want to go sky-diving, i want to live in another country for a while, i want to make new friends that aren't wusses and that go to house parties and live more care free. Then it all comes crashing down to me in Physics again that I'm not in that situation. And if i was, what would my family be like? What would happen to my sister, would she go off the rails like in the magazines? What about my over-emotional friend, would she be traumatized that she has a friend who is dead?

I really actually am a happy person, just fantasies like that help me to get away from my life now. Think about what could have happened if i had joined that school a year later, or even a year earlier. If i had hung around with a different crowd instead. Said something's different to the police.  I know some people say that that makes you, who you are. I mean i could be a drug-addict instead if i had chosen to hang around with that group. Or i could be pregnant or getting STD's if i had some a year later or even a year earlier.

Honestly, i'm fed up. I just can't be bothered- and not just to do the washing-up or hang out the clothes- but plaster my face with that bogus smile when really i am tired, angry and hurt at the world. I just don't se the point. What's the point in pretending to be happy. Sometimes it really does make me feel happy when someone makes me laugh. But it's times when i'm trying hard to muster that smile up from deep within once someone has taken the mick'. I don't want to be that girl that everyone walks over. That everyone thinks it's okay to walk away while i'm still talking or ignore me when they clearly heard me. Or use me for something. I love being peppy, i love feeling as if i can give someone energy. I love feeling as if everything is alright. That peppy bounce makes me feel different; i'm not a regular teenager, i can fight that urge to crawl into bed or scream at everyone- but i can't. I could until now, i survived 2 years fighting of that urge. Now it's overcoming me. So maybe it is teenage hormones.

But then i see my mum: she is definitely not a teenager and she is very hormonal. I hate feeling needy and soppy. I love being independent and confident. My mum is only like that in front of other people, at home she crumbles. She isn't that hard rock she presents. But very emotionally demanding. I don't want to be like that. Covering up or presenting something that's not true. But i already have. I want to truly feel peppy. 

That's why i blogged, even after months of hiding away.  i have come out of my cave. So i'm just not sure yet if i am truly different from my mother, who's have genetic information, and it is just teenage hormones.