You see it's my half-term (the one-week holiday between the summer holidays and Christmas holidays) and I thought that it might be good to blog. So I was just thinking during the afternoon, what I should blog. I was going to just do a puff-piece about nothing in particular. But now-you're going to love it- I'm doing a self-discovery one. Cue the eye-rolls: I know, I love these, you're thinking, but really I don't I am really just finding myself as I am a teenager. The awkward phase where everyone cringes when they hear it but then, the small nostalgia kicks in when things were much simpler. That what the outfit for the non-uniform day is the biggest crisis or whether 'that' boy likes you etc. So I don't blame you if you don't continue reading- I do babble.
Now, the real exciting stuff starts. Actually when I first started writing this, about 5 minutes now, I was writhing with anger but now that seems to have evaporated. I had essentially been told off for doing the dishes, I'm sure that that won't have been the case according to my mother. Music really helps calms me down-obviously because any person would be furious if they had been told off for doing work but I'm okay- really.
I do love a good gossip. In fact I'm sure I was the source of all gossip a few years ago and revelled in a new dirty secret exposed. Until, everything turned around; my best-friend told my crush that I liked him and he laughed at me and told his friends; spread that I had done awful things to myself, when of-course I hadn't(wouldn't even dream of it) and many more. I can't them of them all but now, I don't care about them but am just a little careful to what  disclose to her. Now don't be feeling hatred towards her, I did some awful things too; I asked out her crush when I knew that she didn't want me too, although she kind of did, and he said no. However, she retaliated by telling my then-current crush that I liked him and I had to ignore him out of embarrassment for a year, that did not help when I was partnered with him in Chemistry- most awkward experience ever, I hate to think of what he thinks of me now.
Anyway, I digress, you always have people gossip about you, whether good or bad but you do. Never, in my short existence, did I think that my own mother and sister would talk about me negatively behind my back. I found out that I'm greedy, selfish and ungenerous. At first, I tried to ignore this and refute it, but i couldn't. I was a nasty person. I am a nasty person. Everyone wants to believe they are a good person, even a psychopath would think they are, but seldom are. I want to accept it, I don't want to ignore it and continue my behaviour. I don't know how to change though, I don't know what I'm doing wrong until it's out my mouth or until I have committed the crime. I try to think before my actions but it's seeming to be impossible. worst of all, I just spit out utter falderal. I am a waste of space. I would love to run away, it would be the most selfless act to commit, but I'm too selfish and cowardly. and I'm way too puerile.
Word of the day: falderal- mere nonsense; foolish talk or ideas.

I need to get tested...for twatness?

So my casual Saturday night; in the conservatory sitting crying instead of practising the piano, you know the usual. Why you may ask, am I crying? No, I did not look at myself in the mirror and realise how ugly I am (the usual remark when I burst out laughing). Actually, I was thinking that I am overwhelmed by too much brain activity, yes, I know unusual, but then I was just recalling what had going on. And, wait for it....I had school, school friends, swimming, piano and family life. I AM SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN. I just stopped crying and realised what a twat I am: crying because I have a normal life. I mean, I don't have to fend for myself, I am not an orphan and I have no other major problems. But no, I cry because I have a few school tests and fighting a bit with my mum. WHAT A TWAT! I need to improve my vocabulary because I can't call myself a twat twice! There's a million things I am, and I cant think of two things to call myself!
Now new things in my life; stalking my opposite neighbour, he went to close his blinds and mine were already closed but there was this little gap which I could see through, and I just stared at him - I could only see a black figure with weird hair- and he just stopped and I kept on  staring. Not once did it occur to me that he could see me too. Such a retard.  My best-friend has gone all sulky, as if she's a brat, and even if she does ever reads this, she needs to hear this. I have quite a few best friends but she's is just asking so moody, I mean what is wrong?! Yes, sometimes (there's four of us in this little possy) we do get annoyed at each other but we settle it. She's lovely but she snaps at us and has these snarky little comments that annoys everyone-wait that's me-, she just says stuff like:
I say "wait, I'll walk with you."
She politely replies "It doesn't take two of us to walk there."
Well, I love her but she needs to sort out her issues. She doesn't talk to us and well, I cant blame her. We use each other to get through school, we don't actually know each other and talk about problems. So when my friend that I have kept in contact with when I moved, says to me "How the hell are you going to have sex?" via text, I am squirming. I mean I have gone from keeping my feelings inside to her bluntness. How we got to this point in the conversation, I don't know but it got there. I mean the most me and my friends talk openly about is that we are going to have a wee. Pretty boring-this could explain why I was crying on a Saturday night and not partying hard..... I am not telling you how I answered. 
So I conclude that I may be a twat, Bitch, retard, drama queen, ugly etc. Now, I can think of names!
But frankly, I don't give a flying monkey and since that's pretty spectacular ( a flying monkey), I really don't care. But I do...wait...WHAT?!  Well, yeah I do but I don't want to care.....


Goodbye, my flying monkeys.....

An intuder

The looming thought of the English exam crossed her mind as she sat on her bed after a long, exhausting swimming training session. The day had held multiple CAU work composing of silence and writing while her brain swarmed with other ideas; but she pushd them out and tried to focus on the current test. Why is tourism bad? How do you spell that? How do you program that? How would I phrase that the the number can never be negative? Why is Shakespeare right? Is love ever-lasting? Will my dad desert me? But she pushed harder so the thoughts just lingered in her sub-conscience.

Now all the thoughts came rushing back. She couldn't understand how she did it before the summer holidays when all that mattered was that test, or if something said something weird. Now, she couldn't care less that her friend cancelled shopping as she was 'grounded' when she knew she was going out to her boyfriend's house instead. All that plagued her mind was whether she will get the perfect prom dress, if she will find a new phone for her finished contract or if her dad will pay her university fees after he's got married- her step-mom might be evil. It was a strangest sensation; she had always wished that she didn't care what anyone thought but she still wanted to care about her school work or her families opinions. It was if her brain had inserted windows and everything that was important flew through and everything that was meagre stayed. She repeated to herself that she wasn't in the school frame of mind yet but she knew better: she was finally beyond caring, she was rebelling.

Her peers had rebelled during the previous years when the biggest consequence was a detention but now the stakes were higher, she could fail her GCSE's. They wouldn't turn in homework, they would get drunk or do some other self-expression mark. Maybe a tattoo or a belly piercing or even cutting themselves to gain attention. However, she just didn't care.

She turned very shallow; finding out her horoscope or newest beauty tip was more important than revising for her 25% of her geography coursework due tomorrow. Her closest friends became irritating and she wondered why she ever made friends with them or how she could cope with them for 5 years. She still watched her mouth though because she knew when she came out of this 'reverie' she would still like them and want her friends. It was if another person was living her life and overtook her body.

This other person cared about horoscopes, as far as living of what it said. When she knew she should be revising, the horoscope had said explore your talent and so she did. Although, she didn't know her talent; she still doesn't but she reverted to this instead. Her closest means of talent. She even adjusted her 400 songs on iTunes to avoid her homework.

The smallest suspicion that her partner in English liked her, grew until that's all she thought about. Although she knew deep inside her heart that he didn't, no-one would like her, but she did it so her mind was kept off topic. The choice of wallpaper plagued her mind rather than her upcoming CV writing or that she needed to apply for 6th forms soon before the deadlines.

In case you hadn't realised this so far, this mysterious girl with an intruder in her body is read.all.aboutt.it - she's me. The idea to write in third person is much easier to address her problems and convey them to her readers. She knows you may not understand what she feels like or that you may think that the 'Devil' has come into her, but it's nothing religious. She's just worried that this effect will have devastating long-term effects.

So.....

I googled 'how teens can make money online' and blogging came up. I was thinking, hell no! No-one makes money unless you are very famous. So I did the survey one and so far I have made....a grand total of £3.66 after 5 surveys! But, that's better than nothing, right?
I was thinking of just saving up the points to get my little sister a £10 gift voucher for amazon and something awesome from Starbucks. My mum is trying to get me to work and I don't think she understands I can't work because I am 15!!!
Anyway, nothing happened. I was just watching Jacksgap and they do some really cool stuff. I mean even before they were famous via Youtube they did awesome stuff. I don't. I just sit at home and fill in surveys since today and blog. I really have nothing and no friends. Well, I have friends just not loads that like to go out.  The highlight so far is going window shopping for prom dresses as in 31 weeks I finish school and am off to college! Wooh. If your from America, I am not super smart and graduated really early but in England college is equivalent to Junior/Senior year.
Anyway, I found this girl on youtube and she's a model and she said to get a flat stomach just eat less. That's very hard for me as I'm a foodaholic and she said just drink a glass of water before food so you feel more full and eat less. It works. Well, it did for one day but today I couldn't be bothered to get a glass of water so I just ate crisps, chocolate, more chocolate and sweets. I really am going to have an awful stomach. I mean I thought that since I'm small I'll have a flat stomach to compensate but I just can't. Why should I give up food?
I am still going to try. I really want pretty prom pictures and then I can go on a food binge.

If you want to make money and your a teenager who doesn't want to leave  their house try: ipoll.

Pumpkin Soup

Have you seen Kate Nash's song Pumpkin Soup, even though it sounds really unique and different. However it is as cliquey as all the other songs. In other words it is very misleading; it never once mentions the words pumpkin soup and should be called 'kiss boy' instead. Don't get me wrong, i love Kate Nash, she has a very unique voice and its a bit like Lily Allen and Eliza Doolittle.

Soon enough, i will have a new mommy! Wooh! My Dad is getting remarried and only told us 2 weeks before the actual ceremony. I mean, are you actually kidding me? I got so angry and stomped around Sainsbury's whilst shoving every expensive item in the trolley- is i couldn't break verbally i would break his credit card. But that's old news now, i have now got over it. What ever happened has happened. Right? so i now concentrated on the minor details: my clothes, make-up, hair, jewelry and even painful mistake that would cost me later, bridesmaids? Since we didn't know about the wedding, we hadn't brought any dresses or make-up or anything that would be suitable for your dads marriage. Of course he thought of this- well, just the clothes- and bought us a dress each but he didn't have our measurements so instead of asking us like any reasonable person, he made them up. He just gave the tailor our heights and then let them do the rest. They are ugly. Not only do i look like a Christmas tree and flat-chested but i also look 5. I mean the height of myself would lead you to conclude that anyway but this dress is absolutely no help whatsoever. Last time, he nought us the most beautiful dresses and i have no doubt that they were expensive but it wasn't even for his wedding. This time, he scrimps out for his own WEDDING! That doesn't make sense, i mean i'm not a guy but even that logic for a guy doesn't even make sense.

Anyway, about the bridesmaid thing. I just wanted to be a part of Dad's wedding,  i didn't want to be left out even though spending the whole day with a woman i have met twice,i still fail to comprehend how i thought that would make me a bigger part of the wedding! So now, we have to endure little things for her because of my gobby mouth. Such a large mouth on such a small person. Its kind of contradictory. Isn't it? My really tall friends are shy. Now the world is really a strange place.

If there's no food in the house, what do you do? I mean, the logical explanation would be to go and buy more food right? No, i mean my Dad is a whole kind of special. He decided that me and my sister need exercise and make us walk to Sainsbury's to buy at first, just bread then some vegetables and then frozen pizza. Just frigging go to the supermarket!! But you have to wait a week in his books. Then we couldn't just the kitchen paper because it was too expensive, but i don't mean in the supermarket but he had already bought the kitchen roll. But we weren't allowed to use it. What? So it's just there to look good with the duck perched on it's head? Then he got angry because i took the last mug and he had to wash another one! What is going through that mans head?


I am just going to put this weird behaviour- yes, this is weird for my Dad, he is normally a little tight with money but this is extreme- to the fact that he is getting married and has loads of people going to come from America and such. 

Anyway, if you want to listen to the inspiration of this post;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCr81kVTdqE
And if you like reading, some of my early works in the making: http://www.wattpad.com/user/whatifx

So this is like pumpkin soup- nothing to do with Pumpkin Soup. :)
 

A little post, like me

Have you noticed how I have been on this loads recently; that's because it's the summer and I am so bored. I literally tidied the towel cupboard, the shoe cupboard and all the kitchen cupboards to avoid homework. Now I am leaving for the rest of the summer holidays and won't get back the day before I have to go to school! Way to go me! I get to come back to rushing around frantically to finish my homework when I know full well that it's a week worth.
Anyway, I think this frequent upload thing, it's going to stop i'm going to go back to the too lazy to do anything- even my laptop. I know, i'm just frankly weird. I don't know how I spend me weekdays. Normally you just surf the internet or play video games or practise sports. Me? I don't know...maybe i'll lie down because I had to walk to the bus stop today...6 hours ago. Therefore I need a rest. Honestly, I don't know how my day goes. I don't sit and watch the clock...like in ICT.
I know I will be bored when I go on holiday because that's a lot of time to fill when we always go to the same place and there's only so much to do. But the chances of me going to the computer are very slim because there are many other things to do; browse youtube and admire TROYE SIVAN'S FACE! Have you seen it? It's like mother nature, herself sculpted him. If you don't know who he is...just go away or google him. I would go with google him because then you can drool over him too! And he's not too old for me either! He's only 18. HAHA! I'm only joking, the chances of me getting with a Youtube star are very slim. Like I grew tall and pretty over the summer. I will actually believe that I may have a chance that maybe Troye could like me....just maybe.
Oh yeah..i was meant to be doing my geography...right........
Like I said: a little post. :)

PS. I kinda do like comments. Even though I am not doing this for reads, I promised myself. Anyone can comment even if you don't have an account.

Dear Mother...

I just want to say that since I don't have to face your face anymore, I thought I would write this letter to you. I ran away for many reasons but the main was I couldn't deal with you anymore. I couldn't deal with your lies, your teasing that actually also had something to do with my lack of confidence and your loneliness that converts to emotional neediness.
I am truly sorry, mother, that your marriage didn't work out. But it has been 5 years, please move on. Dad has. You want us to be your children, your husband and everything else. You have stopped treating us like children but more like pets; order us about and still expect admiration, respect and good attitude. I don't think you understand the meaning of hypocrisy. Because if you did, you wouldn't say you need help with the ironing because you can't do it all but if I say could you help, when i'm doing it, all hell breaks lose and I am a weakling.
You are fine for short periods of time but you're like Thornton's ice-cream, you can only take so many before you feel sick and overwhelmed.

Do not ever think that I don't love you....

Yours truly,
Your daughter

P.S. I left because there were times when I had to remind myself that I had only two years left with you, then I can leave you. No child should feel that.

That's what I would have said to my mother if I did leave but I can't leave, I have to save up and get a decent education. Don't get me wrong, I am not being abused or crap. Just tired of my mother's crap. I'm such a weakling because hundreds of people go through this but I can't deal with it. I needed to get it out there.....if I can't confide in friends, a diary(too lazy to write) or family I go to the worldwide internet. I know you think I am a bitch. But I would never actually say that; I don't have the courage and I am just angry. I'm just the usual hormonal teenager.