I have decided to nurse my mental health back up instead of focusing on my physical self; not doing squats to gain long, slender legs but blogging to release my pent-up feelings. Sometimes I think I may lose my friends if I share with them the stuff that rages on in my head. So I decided to release it via the internet, where no-one will read it. The place where millions of websites lie and mine is somewhere within there.
As said before my mental health is slowly decreasing. I am somehow becoming very reclusive and have a unhealthy addiction to a cartoon game on my IPhone. I tend to speak less instead of rambling until someone really wants to go buy a gun and shoot my and then themselves. I get more looks of: is she for real? Isn't she bitchy? I just repeat the same old routine of my life: go to school, meet at my friend's locker, listen to my others friend's babble and maybe add a comment to show that I am listening, progress to my lessons, go home where I have to deal with my mother's loneliness ( after the divorce she hasn't had a long-term boyfriend, and so she decides divulge her anger into her emotions therefore making her an emotionless wreck like she's eternally on her period). Maybe I am tired. sometimes it feels like I'm not there, I'm on onlooker. I don't feel fully there; just going through days. Maybe I'm just waiting till the summer holidays but I'm not like that. I'm just happy all-the-time. Trying to always see positive. I won't allow myself to hate my bullies. Why? I think to myself that they are just trying to release their emotions onto me, they are just copying their friends so i can't give them bad karma because of that. That is mean and stupid. I don't want to be the old-bat in the attic sitting in a rocking chair and whispering to herself because she's so messed up and twisted inside. I want to be the positive person.
Now my physical health is somehow draining; I have really short and stubby legs opposed to the short but kind of thin legs before, I have a fat belly hanging over my jeans and my arms are very fat (as I found out in a recent picture of me). The plan was to squat 5 times each day followed by 10 stomach-crunches and some good old stretching to regain some height that I have lost to my fellow students.
Back to my mental health as i am meant to be nursing that! I think i may like my bully. Not a good move. At first, i thought he liked me (thanks to my friend who said so, as she saw our twitter conversation and i of-course dismissed it but the thought remained in my head), i followed how he talked to me and if he looked at me. Due to the rare occasion of someone liking me, if i think they are ok, i tend to like them back. I just thought he was nice, just not to me, as my other friend says he is very nice and they are best-friends. I reminisced the past stories of how bullies bullying to gain attention or even affection from the victim. I had a possibility in my brain that he could like me. I soon realised, like any other case where I thought they liked me, he didn't like me. So i think that i may like him. I am not sure whether I do. I will not allow myself to go there. Crushes always mess things up-especially with my social status.
Then the case with my friends, i feel as if i am slowly drifting away from them as well as my family. This is what i mean with becoming reclusive. I just don't care anymore. I don't care whether my family hates me. I don't care whether my friends are trying to push me out the group. I don't care that everyone seems to be teasing me more-actually i do care, i have just become more self-conscious. At first i thought i has reached Nirvana but then i realised i'm not a Buddhist nor do i think that is i was in Nirvana i would still be living my trashy hell hole of a life. I do realise that people are homeless or being abused but when you are a teenager everything is the worst for YOU and no-one else matters.
Sometimes i get these awful splitting headaches and i thought that i had a tumour or something, i then went onto fantasize whether everyone would be nice to me if i had a tumour or if i could just stand-up in class and say what i really want to say to people and teachers. Or maybe run away and just experience life. Well, not too much. I don't want to end up pregnant or just dead already from gang fights or drugs. When i said i want to experience life i meant; i want to go sky-diving, i want to live in another country for a while, i want to make new friends that aren't wusses and that go to house parties and live more care free. Then it all comes crashing down to me in Physics again that I'm not in that situation. And if i was, what would my family be like? What would happen to my sister, would she go off the rails like in the magazines? What about my over-emotional friend, would she be traumatized that she has a friend who is dead?
I really actually am a happy person, just fantasies like that help me to get away from my life now. Think about what could have happened if i had joined that school a year later, or even a year earlier. If i had hung around with a different crowd instead. Said something's different to the police. I know some people say that that makes you, who you are. I mean i could be a drug-addict instead if i had chosen to hang around with that group. Or i could be pregnant or getting STD's if i had some a year later or even a year earlier.
Honestly, i'm fed up. I just can't be bothered- and not just to do the washing-up or hang out the clothes- but plaster my face with that bogus smile when really i am tired, angry and hurt at the world. I just don't se the point. What's the point in pretending to be happy. Sometimes it really does make me feel happy when someone makes me laugh. But it's times when i'm trying hard to muster that smile up from deep within once someone has taken the mick'. I don't want to be that girl that everyone walks over. That everyone thinks it's okay to walk away while i'm still talking or ignore me when they clearly heard me. Or use me for something. I love being peppy, i love feeling as if i can give someone energy. I love feeling as if everything is alright. That peppy bounce makes me feel different; i'm not a regular teenager, i can fight that urge to crawl into bed or scream at everyone- but i can't. I could until now, i survived 2 years fighting of that urge. Now it's overcoming me. So maybe it is teenage hormones.
But then i see my mum: she is definitely not a teenager and she is very hormonal. I hate feeling needy and soppy. I love being independent and confident. My mum is only like that in front of other people, at home she crumbles. She isn't that hard rock she presents. But very emotionally demanding. I don't want to be like that. Covering up or presenting something that's not true. But i already have. I want to truly feel peppy.
That's why i blogged, even after months of hiding away. i have come out of my cave. So i'm just not sure yet if i am truly different from my mother, who's have genetic information, and it is just teenage hormones.
